Trump says more news stories should be about Trump

Donald Trump is taking on the media again–and this time, it’s because they’re not mentioning Trump as often as Trump wants them to mention Trump. “The media should be talking about Trump more often,” said Trump in an interview yesterday. “I mean, you go somewhere, to some news site on the internet, and you’re going through…

Trump rewrites Constitution

Donald Trump is taking his job very seriously–so much so that he’s already written a new version of the United States Constitution. The new document, which is 147 pages long and uses the words “winner” and “loser” 23,673 times, has attracted its fair share of criticism, as some feel Trump doesn’t have the right to…

Trump loses at Monopoly, alleges that the game is rigged

  Donald Trump is once again making claims of something being rigged, and this time he’s taking on the real estate themed board game Monopoly. The President-elect went bankrupt 37 minutes into a Monopoly game last night, against his opponents Gary Busey, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and the Donald’s illegitimate son  Faizon Love….

Trump learns ten Mexican swear words

As part of his ongoing efforts to make America great again,  President-elect Donald Trump has been busy this week expanding his vocabulary of Mexican profanity. His teacher is none other than famed Mexican-American comedian George Lopez, who is considered one of America’s foremost experts on how to insult people in Mexican. “George Lopez is teaching…

Tiffany Trump teaches Donald how to use the internet

  In an effort to become more tech savvy than Ronald Reagan and Dwight Eisenhower, President-elect Donald Trump is taking internet lessons from his 23 year old daughter Tiffany. “It’s gonna take a while,” remarked Tiffany. “I mean, my father spent the first ten minutes asking me why keyboard letters aren’t in alphabetical order. Later,…

Trump publishes list of celebrities who should lose weight

In yet another controversial move, President-elect Donald Trump had a press conference yesterday in which he discussed how certain celebrities should exercise and go on a diet. “We can’t have overweight celebrities,” remarked Trump. “Not during my administration. I mean, during the Obama administration, yes, people were free to be flabby lard asses. But I…

Melania Trump spends $1.2 million per nail per month

  Insiders are reporting that future First Lady Melania Trump spends in excess of $20 million a year just on manicures and pedicures! “Her nail polish alone runs for $183,000 a bottle,” says a very credible source. “And sometimes she gets bored, she just pours the nail polish down the drain for fun, and she…

Trump tells Taco Bell to stop selling Mexican food

President-elect Donald Trump caused some controversy on Tuesday, after stating that the Taco Bell fast food chain attracts millions of illegal Mexican immigrants annually to the United States. During a televised meeting with Taco Bell CEO Brian Niccol, Trump demanded that the Taco Bell menu be “de-Mexicanized 100%,” and that all tortillas and taco shells…

Trump announces plans to insult people

President-elect Donald Trump announced plans today to insult a variety of people over the next two years, and also after the next two years. “There are many, many people that I really don’t like,” remarked the President-elect. “I’m going to say a lot of bad stuff about them. There’s an amendment in the Constitution that…