47.3% of Americans know little to nothing about Kendall and Kylie Jenner

In 2016’s largest scale study regarding Kim Kardashian’s half-siblings, it has been discovered that nearly half of Americans aren’t especially familiar with the Jenner sisters. “Who?” said Alberto Esperanza of East Los Angeles, California, a 53 year old plumber who took part in the 100,000 person survey. His wife Maria had a somewhat similar response…

Old MacDonald did not have a cow

According to popular belief, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O. With a moo-moo here, and a moo-moo there–here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo-moo. Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. However, a person familiar with the situation is singing a much different song. “Well. I mean, half of the story is…

Melania Trump spends $1.2 million per nail per month

  Insiders are reporting that future First Lady Melania Trump spends in excess of $20 million a year just on manicures and pedicures! “Her nail polish alone runs for $183,000 a bottle,” says a very credible source. “And sometimes she gets bored, she just pours the nail polish down the drain for fun, and she…

Man thinks Chinese accents are really, really funny

Everyone in America thinks that Canadian accents are hilarious. But there’s at least one person who also thinks that Chinese accents are just as funny, or maybe even funnier. Hal Tomlinson  of Westchester, Oregon has spent hundreds of hours being amused by Chinese accents, and he has no intention of stopping anytime soon. “Chinese accents…

Bananas contain more potassium than previously thought

We all know that a medium banana contains 422.1 milligrams of potassium. Right? Wrong! According to new research, a medium banana contains a whopping 422.8 milligrams of potassium, and not 422.1 milligrams of potassium as previously thought. The new finding is challenging many popular beliefs in the potassium and banana communities–most notably, the belief that…

Trump tells Taco Bell to stop selling Mexican food

President-elect Donald Trump caused some controversy on Tuesday, after stating that the Taco Bell fast food chain attracts millions of illegal Mexican immigrants annually to the United States. During a televised meeting with Taco Bell CEO Brian Niccol, Trump demanded that the Taco Bell menu be “de-Mexicanized 100%,” and that all tortillas and taco shells…

Trump announces plans to insult people

President-elect Donald Trump announced plans today to insult a variety of people over the next two years, and also after the next two years. “There are many, many people that I really don’t like,” remarked the President-elect. “I’m going to say a lot of bad stuff about them. There’s an amendment in the Constitution that…