Trump loses at Monopoly, alleges that the game is rigged

  Donald Trump is once again making claims of something being rigged, and this time he’s taking on the real estate themed board game Monopoly. The President-elect went bankrupt 37 minutes into a Monopoly game last night, against his opponents Gary Busey, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and the Donald’s illegitimate son  Faizon Love….

Woman not sure what to think after being compared to Kim Kardashian

  A 27 year old California dental assistant is a bit perplexed after hearing a fairly vague comment about how she’s a lot like Kim Kardashian. Jen Arminson of San Jose had never been compared to Kim Kardashian before in any way up until yesterday, when she was on a first date with her friend Becky’s…

Trump learns ten Mexican swear words

As part of his ongoing efforts to make America great again,  President-elect Donald Trump has been busy this week expanding his vocabulary of Mexican profanity. His teacher is none other than famed Mexican-American comedian George Lopez, who is considered one of America’s foremost experts on how to insult people in Mexican. “George Lopez is teaching…

Jennifer Lawrence has conversation with non-celebrity

For the first time in seven years, Jennifer Lawrence has spoken for more than ten seconds to someone who isn’t famous. According to TMZ, the conversation took place in a line at a Coffee Bean in Malibu, and was witnessed by over 25 people. “It was really crazy,” said a Coffee Bean employee who wishes…

Eminem says he’s going to start using the n-word

In a surprise announcement, rapper Eminem said that he’s actually black, and he therefore has the right to say the n-word the way other black people do. “I mean, my moms, she told me the other day, ‘Marshall. You’re adopted. Your parents live at 723 North Palm Lane.’ So, like, I drove down there, and…

Tiffany Trump teaches Donald how to use the internet

  In an effort to become more tech savvy than Ronald Reagan and Dwight Eisenhower, President-elect Donald Trump is taking internet lessons from his 23 year old daughter Tiffany. “It’s gonna take a while,” remarked Tiffany. “I mean, my father spent the first ten minutes asking me why keyboard letters aren’t in alphabetical order. Later,…

Woman ends her 18 year relationship with Costco

44 year old Holly Anderson of Westchester, Texas has been married twice–once for five years, and the second time for seven years. But she just ended the longest relationship of her life–her 18 years with Costco Wholesale. “I didn’t renew my membership,” she told Fox football analyst James Brown. “I mean, 18 years is enough….

Heterosexual man watches Golden Girls marathon

Ed Miller of Rawlins, Wyoming is an extremely heterosexual man. He drinks beer, he lives like a slob, he has five kids with three women, and he works in a coal mine. But yesterday, he engaged in a very gay activity: he watched ten consecutive hours of The Golden Girls. “I like that show,” Miller…

Trump publishes list of celebrities who should lose weight

In yet another controversial move, President-elect Donald Trump had a press conference yesterday in which he discussed how certain celebrities should exercise and go on a diet. “We can’t have overweight celebrities,” remarked Trump. “Not during my administration. I mean, during the Obama administration, yes, people were free to be flabby lard asses. But I…

Man finds new ways to waste time on internet

San Jose resident John Qualls, 16, has already wasted thousands of hours on the internet–and he seems ready to take things to the next level. “I find a new, completely pointless online activity every couple of weeks. Like Twitch. That’s this community where you basically watch someone else playing a video game, and you leave…