99 Cent Store announces sale

In an unprecedented move, the 99 Cent Store stated that for one week only, it’s going to discount all of its merchandise to the absurdly low price of just 98 cents. And yes, that includes the pillowcase covers. The news sent shoppers into a pandemonium, and riots have already started in Los Angeles, Chicago, and…

Bill Gates leaves $50 tip on $7.82 bill

Bill Gates is a lot of things. A brilliant computer programmer. A shrewd businessman. A snazzy dresser. A great minesweeper player. But according to waiter Ron Russelman, he’s also a lousy tipper. Gates dined at Laury’s Chicken and Steak on Wednesday, and ordered a cheeseburger and orange soda. His total came out to $7.82. And…

Joey Chestnut named AP Athlete of the Year

For the first time ever, the Associated Press has named a competitive eater its Athlete of the Year. The honor went to Nathan’s Hot Dog eating champion Joey Chestnut, who powered his way through 187 hot dogs in a span of just ten minutes during the championship event. “That’s a lot of hot dogs,” said…

Supermarket says ‘Limit 10 Per Customer’

Safeway is having a sale on canned Del Monte corn–but don’t think you’re going to have the opportunity to fill your kitchen with the discounted vegetable.  Being that the sale price is a ridiculously low 89 cents per can, Safeway has decided to institute a policy of limiting customers to just 10 cans total. In…

Trump says more news stories should be about Trump

Donald Trump is taking on the media again–and this time, it’s because they’re not mentioning Trump as often as Trump wants them to mention Trump. “The media should be talking about Trump more often,” said Trump in an interview yesterday. “I mean, you go somewhere, to some news site on the internet, and you’re going through…

YouTuber looking to manufacture new YouTube drama on YouTube

Noted YouTuber Trisha Paytas, who has, like, a bajillion subscribers on YouTube, says she wants to start up a new drama with another popular person on YouTube. “I want to do some drama-ing with someone new,” said Paytas in an interview with Mario Lopez. “Cuz, I mean, like, you know. Drama. It’s good.” Paytas has…

Reggae musician writes song about Jamaica and marijuana

Most reggae music songs are about two things: Jamaica and marijuana. But reggae artist Rodman Ohebstafarian has just put out a new song that’s primarily about two things: Jamaica and marijuana. “The song is about Jamaica and marijuana,” said Ohebstafarian in an exclusive interview with Hundred Percent News. “Because, you know, that’s me being real….

Coca Cola CEO seen drinking Pepsi

Coca Cola stock is down 4 points today after the company’s CEO Muhtar Kent was seen drinking a six pack of Pepsi. The entire incident was captured on video yesterday and uploaded to YouTube, where it already has 294 million views, and it’s making many people seriously reevaluate their cola allegiance. “I ain’t drinking no…

Internet to introduce limits

The Word Wide Federation of Internet–the governing body behind the entire world wide web–announced yesterday that it intends to place limits on how many comments, pictures, and  videos people can post on the internet.  The move was made after it was discovered that the internet is chock full of “ludicrous bullshit” and things of that…

Trump rewrites Constitution

Donald Trump is taking his job very seriously–so much so that he’s already written a new version of the United States Constitution. The new document, which is 147 pages long and uses the words “winner” and “loser” 23,673 times, has attracted its fair share of criticism, as some feel Trump doesn’t have the right to…

Timberwolves will now play all games 5 on 4

  NBA commissioner Adam Silver just instituted a new rule stating that whenever the Minnesota Timberwolves play a game, their opponents will only get to have four players on the court. The T-Wolves will play the remainder of the 2016-17 NBA season with a one  player advantage at all times, as part of the league’s…

Couple has argument about pens

  Gwen Shankman and AJ Tomlinson have been living together for seven months, and they just had their most pointless argument ever. The Arizona couple had the argument last night from 6:00 to 9:30, and then continued it this morning from 8:30 to 9:15, and then again this afternoon on the phone, from 2:30 to…