99 Cent Store announces sale

In an unprecedented move, the 99 Cent Store stated that for one week only, it’s going to discount all of its merchandise to the absurdly low price of just 98 cents. And yes, that includes the pillowcase covers.

The news sent shoppers into a pandemonium, and riots have already started in Los Angeles, Chicago, and of course, Yonkers. “It’s pandemonium,” said one observer. “For the past 37 years, we’ve been paying 99 cents. And now, we’re going to pay 98 cents. Not 99. 98. 99 and 98 are different numbers.”

The discount chain has increased its security staff by 900%, in anticipation of the violence that will ensue once the sale begins. Estimates for the number of fatalities that will result from the sale range from 100 to 250, as everyone is expecting people to fight very hrd for those 98 cent pillowcases, as well as the 98 cent bottles of white wine, and and of course, the dented 98 cent cans of jalapeno flavored pinto beans. “I gotta have those pinto beans!” exclaimed longtime 99 Cent Store shopper Agnes Anderson. “I’m ready, willing, and able to kill anyone who stands in the way of me and those dented cans. State law allows me to carry a concealed weapon, and to use it when prices get this low.”

Competing retailers are scrambling to alter their own merchandising strategy in response to the 98 cent sale, and it appears as if the entire retail industry will undergo a major shift. Dollar Store CEO Ed Mahoney said that although his company will maintain its price of one dollar per item, it will offer a free yellow lollipop to anyone who buys more than $27 worth of lowfat dairy products. As for 7-Eleven, the powerhouse convenience store chain stated that in response to the 98 cent sale, 7-Eleven will increase all of its prices by 10%. “The 99 Cent Store is going from cheap to cheaper,” said the company’s Chief Operating Officer Obafami Schlitz. “So we’re going to go from overpriced to more overpriced. It makes sense. You want pinto beans? $3.29.”

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