Safeway is having a sale on canned Del Monte corn–but don’t think you’re going to have the opportunity to fill your kitchen with the discounted vegetable. Being that the sale price is a ridiculously low 69 cents per can, Safeway has decided to institute a policy of limiting customers to just 5 cans total. In fact, there’s a sign next to the corn that says “Limit 5 Per Customer,” and all Safeway employees have been instructed to enforce the rule 100%.
“We really can’t let anyone buy more than 5 cans of corn,” said the company’s CEO Bob “The Situation” Miller. “I mean, at these prices, if there’s no limit, it’ll be mayhem. People will rush into our stores and probably beat the living hell out of each other, so they can buy as much Del Monte corn as possible. Del Monte corn is delicious–and 69 cents a can is a fantastic bargain.”
69 cents is indeed a bargain, says the website cannedcornprices.com, which has extensive data on canned corn prices ranging back to 1872, the year corn was first canned. The website receives roughly 2 million hits a day, and the community there has had a lot to say about Safeway’s recent move. “Del Monte corn tastes good,” said one commenter at the site. “I gotta find a way to buy more than 5 cans. I’m gonna go in there, buy 5 cans, then leave, put on a disguise, come back, and buy more corn.”
Safeway cashiers, however, are anticipating that trick, as they’ve received extensive training over the past two months in order to learn how to spot customers in disguise. The police are also aware of the corn sale, and they’ve been instructed to mace anyone attempting to buy too many cans of discounted corn. “It’s limit 5 per customer,” said Anchorage Police Chief Christopher Tolley, whose city contains two Safeways. “If you buy too much corn, we’ll track you down and mace you. That’s how the Anchorage Police Department does things.”