The Word Wide Federation of Internet–the governing body behind the entire world wide web–announced yesterday that it intends to place limits on how many comments, pictures, and videos people can post on the internet. The move was made after it was discovered that the internet is chock full of “ludicrous bullshit” and things of that nature.
“The internet is getting really ridiculous,” said Online Grandwizard Kwake Tobomafatu, who heads the WWFI. “I mean, it’s just 99.9% stuff that, you come across it, and you’re all like, ‘Um. What is this, bro?'”
Initiative One of the Internet Reformation Plan targets YouTube comments–which, according to the WWFI, contains a whopping 42.3% of the internet’s hooliganistic element. Grandwizard Tobomafatu stated that from now on, all prospective YouTube commenters will be required to take a sobriety test before actually posting their comments on the site. Later this month, every person in the world will be given a gadget that connects to any smartphone or computer, and contains breathalyzer and urine analysis technology. “You breathe and piss in the gadget,” said Tobomafatu. “And then it calculates your blood alcohol level, and determines if you can post YouTube comments.”
The Internet Reformation Plan will also target Twitter and Facebook, by doing such things as placing a limit on how often Donald Trump can post Tweets. “This Trump guy,” remarked Tobomafatu. “Like, what the hell is he even saying?”
Critics of the Internet Reformation Plan are arguing that the new rules limit free speech–but we spoke to Constitutional lawyer Edgar J. Abramowitz, and he stated that the internet is not under the jurisdiction of the United States federal government. “The internet is not subject to Constitutional laws,” he told Mario Lopez today outside of a Shakey’s Pizza. “The internet is governed by the WWFI. And Grandwizard Tobomafatu really wants everyone to breathe and piss in that gadget.”