Trump rewrites Constitution

Donald Trump is taking his job very seriously–so much so that he’s already written a new version of the United States Constitution. The new document, which is 147 pages long and uses the words “winner” and “loser” 23,673 times, has attracted its fair share of criticism, as some feel Trump doesn’t have the right to change the nation’s laws. When Trump was asked about those people, he remarked, “They’re losers! Of course they’re gonna disagree with my Constitution.  Maybe they should move to Canada, which, if you ask me, is a country for losers. It’s basically Loser America. If I were in charge of maps, I would change the name of Canada to ‘Loser America.’ And I would change the name of our country to ‘Winner America.'”

Trump’s new Constitution features a wide variety of laws that are not present in the Founding Fathers version, or an any of the amendments. For instance, Article I states, “Nobody is allowed to wear a hat while the Star Spangled Banner is being sung. If you keep your hat on during the song, you’ll spend a year in jail, and then a year in Mexico. Mark my words. This is how it’s gonna work. Those people who don’t show respect for our national anthem–they’re losers! And then you got this idiot Colin Kapernick. Do you know him? He’s the football player who, this guy, he protests stuff, he protests stuff by refusing to stand for the national anthem. What a loser this guy is. He’s very overrated as a quarterback. If the 49ers want to start winning games, they should get rid of Kapernick, and make my daughter Ivanka their starting quarterback.”

Trump’s Constitution also spends a great deal of time discussing the media, and laying down new rules on what they’re allowed to say. Article II of Trump’s Constitution states, “These idiots at CNN. I mean, have you ever seen a bunch of more clueless people in your life? Incredible. It’s really incredible. That this channel even exists. It’s amazing. I say we build a wall. We build a wall that prevents CNN from going through cables and onto your TV. I mean, who the hell is this Wolf Blitzer guy, anyways? He’s a loser! I say we waterboard him. He knows something. He talks to Saudi princes. We need to get that info out of Wolf Blitzer. I’ll deport him to Mexico. Mark my words.”

Although Trump’s Constitution is getting support from  most Republicans, there are some people within the party who are not on board with the new document. Former Speaker of the House New Gingrich had this to say about it. “Look. I see where he’s going with a lot of this stuff in his Constitution. And I agree with some of what he’s saying, as far as the basic ideas are concerned. That being said, first of all, a Constitution isn’t supposed to be so autobiographical. Trump either doesn’t get that, or he really just doesn’t care. I mean, Article 7 of Trump’s Constitution is mostly about how Trump is really good in bed. Article 8 is about how Trump once beat Jack Nicklaus at golf.”

Experts are expecting Congress to refuse to ratify the new Trump Constitution.  Trump, however,  says that their votes are irrelevant, being that “in Article 9 of my Constitution, it says that if Trump writes a Constitution, then that Constitution is the Constitution, and who is Congress to say otherwise? Most of the people in Congress are losers. I’m gonna deport them to Canada. Mark my words.”


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