According to popular belief, Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O. And on his farm he had a cow, E-I-E-I-O. With a moo-moo here, and a moo-moo there–here a moo, there a moo, everywhere a moo-moo. Old MacDonald had a farm, E-I-E-I-O.
However, a person familiar with the situation is singing a much different song. “Well. I mean, half of the story is true. Old MacDonald had a farm,” says Missouri farmer Conroy Patterson, who was neighbors with Old MacDonald for 37 years. “But on that farm, he did not have a cow. I never saw no damn cows on that farm. I never heard a moo-moo here, or a moo there. Except for when Old MacDonald got drunk, and he started mooing like a maniac. That was the only moo-moo I ever heard over at Old MacDonald’s. It wasn’t from no cow. It was from Old MacDonald himself. The man was an alcoholic. He drank nonstop. E-I-E-I-O.”
The Federation of Accuracy in Nursery Songs has investigated the claim, and come to the conclusion that Old MacDonald’s farm was cow-free. “We interviewed several sources,” says Randy Carlsbad, who drives a 1997 Toyota Corolla. “And it’s unanimous. Old MacDonald did not have any animals on his farm. He had mostly alfalfa and sorghum. Also, he was in fact a heavy drinker, and was also known to use cocaine from time to time.”
The Federation is now rewriting the Old MacDonald song, in order to incorporate alfalfa and sorghum into the lyrics. Many kindergarten teachers, however, intend to resist the change, and will no doubt start rioting in the street in order to protest the new lyrics.