Man finds new ways to waste time on internet

San Jose resident John Qualls, 16, has already wasted thousands of hours on the internet–and he seems ready to take things to the next level. “I find a new, completely pointless online activity every couple of weeks. Like Twitch. That’s this community where you basically watch someone else playing a video game, and you leave some comment while he’s playing. That’s actually a thing. Lots of people do it. I do it. I have video games. I don’t play them. Playing video games isn’t pointless. Watching someone else play video games on the internet–that’s pointless.”

John’s mother Dinah is busy encouraging him to shift over to less pointless activities. “I told him to start drinking whiskey. You know. He’ll get more out of that than Twitch. But, I left a bottle of Jack Daniels in his room the other day. He hasn’t even opened it yet. He seems pretty committed to all that nonsense online stuff. So, like, if he doesn’t start drinking soon, maybe I’ll try to get him to join Scientology or something. I’m pretty sure Scientologists don’t do Twitch.”


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