Supermarket says ‘Limit 10 Per Customer’

Safeway is having a sale on canned Del Monte corn–but don’t think you’re going to have the opportunity to fill your kitchen with the discounted vegetable.  Being that the sale price is a ridiculously low 89 cents per can, Safeway has decided to institute a policy of limiting customers to just 10 cans total. In…

Trump says more news stories should be about Trump

President-elect Donald Trump is taking on the media again–and this time, it’s because they’re not mentioning Trump as often as Trump wants them to mention Trump. “I take umbrage with the fact that the media isn’t talking about Trump more often,” said Trump in an interview with Trump.  Trump continued by saying, “Umbrage. I like that…

YouTuber looking to manufacture new YouTube drama on YouTube

Noted YouTuber Trisha Paytas, who has, like, a bajillion subscribers on YouTube, says she wants to start up a new drama with another popular person on YouTube. “I want to do some drama-ing with someone new,” said Paytas in an interview with Mario Lopez. “Cuz, I mean, like, you know, there’s a strong correlation between…

Reggae musician writes song about Jamaica and marijuana

Reggae music can be about a lot of things. But reggae artist Rodman Ohebstafarian has just put out a new song that’s primarily about two things: Jamaica and marijuana. The song, which is titled “Reggae Song About Jamaica and Marijuana,” features lyrics that are primarily about the country of Jamaica and the activity of smoking…

Coca Cola CEO seen drinking Pepsi

Coca Cola stock is down 4 points today after the company’s CEO Muhtar Kent was seen drinking a six pack of Pepsi. The entire incident was captured on video yesterday and uploaded to YouTube, where it already has 294 million views, and it’s making many people seriously reevaluate their cola allegiance. “I ain’t drinking no…

Internet to introduce limits

The Word Wide Federation of Internet–the governing body behind the entire world wide web–announced yesterday that it intends to place limits on how many comments, pictures, and  videos people can post on the internet.  The move was made after it was discovered that the internet is chock full of “ludicrous bullshit” and things of that…

Trump rewrites Constitution

President-elect Donald Trump is taking his job very seriously–so much so that he’s already written a new version of the United States Constitution. The new document, which is 47 pages long and uses the words “winner” and “loser” 273 times, is getting mixed reviews from the public, and resulting in yet another controversy for the…

Timberwolves will now play all games 5 on 4

  NBA commissioner Adam Silver just instituted a new rule stating that whenever the Minnesota Timberwolves play a game, their opponents will only get to have four players on the court. The T-Wolves will play the remainder of the 2016-17 NBA season with a one  player advantage at all times, as part of the league’s…

Couple has argument about pens

  Gwen Shankman and AJ Tomlinson have been living together for seven months, and they just had their dumbest argument ever: an argument about a dozen Bic pens. The Arizona couple had the argument last night from 6:00 to 9:30, and then continued it this morning from 8:30 to 9:15, when Gwen said, “I have…

Trump loses at Monopoly, alleges that the game is rigged

  Donald Trump is once again making claims of something being rigged, and this time he’s taking on the real estate themed board game Monopoly. The President-elect went bankrupt 37 minutes into a Monopoly game last night, against his opponents Gary Busey, former New York Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and the Donald’s illegitimate son  Faizon Love….

Woman not sure what to think after being compared to Kim Kardashian

  A 27 year old California dental assistant is a bit perplexed after hearing a fairly vague comment about how she’s a lot like Kim Kardashian. Jen Arminson of San Jose had never been compared to Kim Kardashian before in any way up until yesterday, when she was on a first date with her friend Becky’s…

Trump learns ten Mexican swear words

As part of his ongoing efforts to make America great again,  President-elect Donald Trump has been busy this week expanding his vocabulary of Mexican profanity. His teacher is none other than famed Mexican-American comedian George Lopez, who is considered one of America’s foremost experts on how to insult people in Mexican. “George Lopez is teaching…